Trauma Response

 Last night we had a night nurse. I had to try and sleep in a different room from you and I find that it is so hard to do. While I have full trust in the night nurse that I chose for you, I find myself struggling to fall asleep and struggling to stay awake the next day. Last night was no exception. I was laying in bed and my brain wouldn't slow down enough for me to fall asleep. All I could think about was the things that I wanted to write. I even texted my therapist to suggest a collaboration because I feel that I want to share my story with the world. If my story could help one person, it would be worth it. As I continued to lay there, the thoughts kept spinning and spinning. How could I share my story and not worry about who reads it or how they feel about it when they do... that is when I realized something very important. 

Fear. My distorted thoughts have me living in a constant state of fear. I am trying to use this platform as a place to be authentic in sharing my thoughts, experiences and emotions, yet I find myself wanting to censor what I say because of fear. Fear of saying the wrong thing. Fear that I will hurt someone's feelings or disappoint them. Fear that my perception of my experiences is so different from the others involved that it may be disputed as false. We all see experiences so differently. My perception of events that occur may be distorted due to trauma, but it is still my perceived experience and it has had an impact on me. It may have even confirmed my distorted thoughts. My hope and prayer is that I can reframe these thoughts and pursue the path I feel I am being led down.