Beginning The Memories
It was suggested to me that I should documenting our time together. I imagined this looking a lot different. I started keeping notes on my feelings about you before I got you and then once you got here, time got away from me and I got so wrapped up in you that I didn't write any of it down. We have had so much fun together so far. You have absolutely changed my life forever and I am so grateful to call you mine. I can't believe that you have been in our home for 3.5 months already! Time has gone by so fast. Your smile is infectious. In fact, the other night you woke me up twice with your laughter and then you spent the following day smiling and cooing, so full of joy. I couldn't help but wonder what was going on in your mind. I love every minute that I get with you. We dance together and you grin from ear to ear. You love all things Spiderman! You are making so much progress in therapies. I love when you make such large strides with your "push-ups" and when you say all the things on your device. I can't wait to take you on so many adventures. My life with you is so much more than I ever could have imagined. I can't picture my life without you.
The other day, one of your doctors told us that you need a major surgery. Normally I wouldn't be so worried but your bio dad told us that your doctors said you were lucky to make it through the last surgery. I am praying that your lungs will be strong enough to get through the intubation and the anesthesia. I want you to live a long and amazing life! I am on the fence on if we should proceed with this surgery. Is the risk worth the benefits? If the risk is losing you, I don't think it is worth it. If the doctors feel this is absolutely necessary, I have to have faith that God will bring you through it. People have often asked me why I became a nurse and I never really had a good answer, until now. I feel that God put it on my heart to become a nurse and to love pediatrics so that he could prepare me for you. I was meant to be your mom. I may not have been able to give birth to you like I had imagined but he still brought you to me. I never imagined that I wouldn't be able to have kids of my own. I pictured boys that looked like me or even like my nephew. I never saw girls in my future. I then tried foster care and was given girls. It never truly felt right but I did my absolute best. I was heartbroken when they left us but yet something in me felt like the story wasn't over. We gave up on foster care and would never look back... until you.
One random day, I received a phone call from a friend at church. She was asking me if our company would have nurses available. She claimed she had called all of the companies she could and no one had nurses available. She told me of a kiddo that needed to be placed in foster care but could not be placed without nursing. I remember making the comment "too bad I don't still have my foster license open". She then asked me if that was something we would consider. I told her that I would talk to my husband and get back to her. I feel like it was within the hour, we were accepting her offer. It took FOREVER for the process to go through, even though they told us that it would be an emergency placement and our license would come quicker. It definitely didn't. I was so impatient waiting for you. I had a feeling in my bones that I was supposed to know you, love you, and give you the world.
The day came for you to come home and I couldn't believe it! I was told that you were going to have to come home in my Jeep Wrangler by laying you down in the back seat and strapping you down. I didn't like this at all but we had no other options. what was I to do? You HATED it! We couldn't get home fast enough! Then the next problem, how in the world would we get you upstairs to your room. I ended up calling the fire department. Within 3 minutes, a fire engine was at our front door. After assessing the situation, the nice firemen called the ambulance because they wanted more equipment and hands. It didn't take long and bam, they were there! Our story began...
It was definitely a bumpy start. Not because of you but because of your bio dad. He was really having a hard time with you being in our home and we wanted to show him that we were a good place for you! We wanted him to know that we will love and care for you as if you were our own and that we would never keep him from you. After a LOT of work, we finally built a good relationship with him. We of course hit another bump along the way. When you were sent home from the hospital, you were placed into the care of a hospice company. I was following orders and allowing these people in our home to see you. As we went along, things started to go downhill with them. They ended up ambushing me in our home and saying bad things about me as your caregiver. I was so scared that I was going to lose you! I was terrified and hurt and was not sure how to handle it. I couldn't lose you. I knew that I was supposed to have you and I couldn't imagine that God would bring you here to immediately take you away like this. I fought and fought for you and we WON! Because of the relationship that we built with DHS, your dad, and the foster agency, we were able to come together and take away the company causing the issues. We were able to get the doctor to see your progress and graduated you from hospice to palliative. It was an exciting time!
My love for you continued to grow deeper and deeper. Our bond was obvious to everyone around us, including your bio dad. He said that all he has ever wanted for you was a mother figure and now you had it. I want so badly to give you the world! I found an adventure park that you can go to and actually ride the rides. We want to take you to Disney and to meet family! We want so much for you!
I have the plans to finish our basement to be your space. It will have a bedroom, accessible bathroom, living room and kitchenette. You will have so much space to do your therapies, spend time watching TV and listening to music, and your night nurses will have a place to be as well. We are trialing eye gaze devices that will work with your new eyeglasses and give you the power of speech. We have gone everywhere we can within the city, due to weather, that we could. We bought a third vehicle, with help from an amazing church family, so that we could transport you easier and safer. I can't believe you got me to do what I said I would NEVER do, drive a van! My Jeep sits very sad in the garage but you are worth it. I can't wait to take you to the zoo, even though it will be a RIDICULOUS workout for me to push you because of the elevation gain. Once again, your totally worth it!
You have gone with me to therapy because I can't leave you behind and I don't want to. I slept on a futon, for the first 3 months or so, in your room so that I could take care of you. I couldn't keep it up so we upgraded to a daybed with a nicer mattress. I was able to steal a nurse that I loved to come and be with you 3 nights a week so that I could sleep in my own bed. Those are the only nights I ever leave your side. I can't stop spoiling you in every way that I can. Like I have said many times, I want you to have everything you possibly can.
I look forward to watching you grow and find your voice. I found a shirt that said it perfectly. "I never planned to be a cerebral palsy mom and take this journey but I sure do love my tour guide."
The other night we were watching a movie together and I actually heard the words to the opening song because of how your face lit up hearing it. I took your hand and began to bounce it to the beat and you grinned so big. I knew it had to be our song! It will forever be our song!
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