Its in the Past, or is it?

 Today brought up a lot of memories that I don't enjoy reliving. You see kiddo, you are our second foster placement. Our first placement put us through a lot and I have a lot of wounds because of it. While my wounds can't be seen on the outside, they are very real on the inside. We were so excited to be parents for the first time and did not know how hard the next 6 months were going to be. We were licensed through a Christian agency that had a good reputation and they claimed to provide a large amount of support. With our particular placement, we were instructed to stay in close contact with two specific people within the agency because the case was so high profile. Along the way, we begged for help with the behaviors that were occurring in our home but kept receiving the same advice, "keep doing what you're doing". We wanted more help. We wanted one of the two kiddos to go to an inpatient center to help understand the uncontrollable behaviors but the agency fought us on this. We took physical and mental abuse from these kids and yet we didn't want to give up because we wanted to be parents so badly. We continued to beg for help but kept getting told the same things. Finally, one night we voiced our concerns to an employee at our support group. She sounded an alarm and brought in another woman who had never met us. This woman pulled us from our support group and seemed interested in what we were going through. As we explained our situation and frustrations, this woman who had never met us decided that we were "unsafe" for the kids to come home with. We were basically kicked out of the building through the back doors and were not allowed to see or say goodbye to the kids. We never saw them again. This alone was traumatic...

Later, we were told that one of the kids had accused my husband of harming them. There was an investigation and we were told that there was nothing to be found by the investigator. We were brought in to the foster agency and told that there were multiple findings against my husband and we would have to go through more training and my husband would need to be in therapy, but they would keep our license open and allow us to keep fostering. They instructed us that we would not be allowed to have any children in our home that could not speak, so no babies or toddlers. With my emotions high, we were taken into separate rooms. I was then told, where my husband could here, that my best options were to leave my husband or quit my job. If I would do this, I could have a baby. After this meeting, my blood was boiling and I experienced a panic attack. I didn't think that I had ever felt this way until I looked back on one of our nights in support group, where I had also experienced those same emotions. Before having this placement, I had not experienced anxiety (except for test anxiety in nursing school) to this extent. I didn't know how to handle it or what to do. I couldn't breath, couldn't stop shaking, and couldn't stop the tears. I had failed. I wasn't meant to be a mother. Those were continuous thoughts flowing through my mind. I wasn't good enough. Why didn't God want me to be a mom? Why was this happening? I had tried so hard to do everything right and yet it blew up in my face. I was devastated. My mind kept telling me that it was all my fault and I would never be able to be a mom. I would never be good enough for anyone. While I never truly felt suicidal, I did feel that I didn't deserve to try again because the kids would be better off without me. 

I have been in therapy for a while and have been working on many aspects of my life. I struggle with body image, disordered eating, complex trauma, and many other things. I do not have great self esteem and often question every relationship in my life for authenticity, waiting for the other shoe to drop and for me to get hurt. I don't trust easily, or sometimes I do trust too easily and then end up being the one in pain. I know that it stems from my childhood traumas but I don't want to admit that I let those things cut me so deep. Today, I was talking to my therapist and opened my eyes to some things that I didn't want to admit. I have not accepted my experience with the last foster agency. I don't trust my own thoughts most of the time. I don't know how I feel in my own body. Sometimes I can't even believe that you would truly love me. I wonder if you only appear to care for me and that we have a bond because you have no other choice and are stuck with me. I love you so much and want to trust that our bond is true. I have just been so hurt in my past that I don't know how to trust that someone would actually care about me. 

You have brought me so much joy and my life feels so good because of you. It's hard to trust this happiness because I don't know how. I am working on it though. I never want you to feel this doubt that I have. You are loved! You are AMAZING! You are the best thing that has ever happened to me! I have never felt this way in my life and am still trying to figure out how to accept my emotions and trust that it is real. 

I was asked to think back to a time when I was young and could remember feeling good and confident in who I was. I struggle with remembering a lot of my childhood before the trauma but I do remember the feeling of acceptance. I remember having best friends and loving school. I loved my teacher and felt seen by her. I can't think of a specific memory or moment but I remember being happy. I lived in such a small town and everyone knew everyone. I never felt pressured to be a certain way or like I had to change to be accepted. I didn't have to try. I remember having mixed feelings of moving to a bigger town. I was excited to make new friends but wasn't ready to leave the old ones behind. I never doubted myself or thought of myself as an outcast. Then we moved...

In this new town, everyone new everyone just like before but this time I was not known. I was the new girl. I tried to just be myself like normal and didn't have a clue what was coming. It was the middle of the year when we arrived and at the end of the school year, I was expected to perform on state testing. When my scores came back, I was moved into a program called "gifted and talented" or GT. This moved me to a special class where I started to truly feel like an outsider. These kids all knew each other and I did not belong. This is when my self doubt was born. All of my experiences from here on out molded my thought process to question everything and everyone. It feels impossible to reframe this way of thinking. It feels impossible to remember the true feelings that I had prior to these experiences. The feeling that I was not good enough had taken over and still sits in my head today. 

When you came into my life, you showed me true purpose. You seemed to love me unconditionally and rely on me for safety and comfort. I love this feeling. I truly feel like I was made for this. I was made to be your mom. The doubt still creeps though. I sometimes wonder if you only look at me the way you do because you have no other choice. Because of my trauma from our last foster placement, I am constantly worried that I could lose you. If I say the wrong thing, mis-step in any way, they will take you from me and I will fall apart yet again. I say all of this because I need to bring my thoughts to light. I'm not perfect by any means and I don't want to have to pretend that I am. I have a part of me that wants to be seen in that light because if I don't, I won't be accepted. It is a constant struggle and I am trying so hard to be curious about my thoughts and feelings. I am trying to understand them and accept them. I want to be the mom that you need and deserve. I love you kiddo and I am so grateful that you are in my life. Thank you for showing me what unconditional love from a human can look like. I will work on my issues of trusting this and continue to love you with all of my heart.