Fostering CP

 Yesterday was a great day with you! I took you, your bio dad, and bio uncle to the zoo. It was such a great experience! You got to feed the giraffes and they licked your hand. I joked that I should have put the lettuce up by your face to see if it would lick your face but I just couldn't actually do it. You sure did give me a workout. The zoo here requires us to climb a mountain and when you are in your chair, I have to push like 200lbs! It's crazy! My legs were burning but giving you this experience was worth it for sure. I kept trying to get the birds to come down from the trees with the stick of food but they just couldn't be persuaded. We had expensive zoo pizza and you seemed to like the sauce. It was a crazy day! It was a beautiful day when we got there and then when we came out of the pizza shop, it was getting really cold. We headed towards the penguins and it started snowing! The penguins were an interesting experience because of some shenanigans they were doing w...

 Last night we had a night nurse. I had to try and sleep in a different room from you and I find that it is so hard to do. While I have full trust in the night nurse that I chose for you, I find myself struggling to fall asleep and struggling to stay awake the next day. Last night was no exception. I was laying in bed and my brain wouldn't slow down enough for me to fall asleep. All I could think about was the things that I wanted to write. I even texted my therapist to suggest a collaboration because I feel that I want to share my story with the world. If my story could help one person, it would be worth it. As I continued to lay there, the thoughts kept spinning and spinning. How could I share my story and not worry about who reads it or how they feel about it when they do... that is when I realized something very important.  Fear. My distorted thoughts have me living in a constant state of fear. I am trying to use this platform as a place to be authentic in sharing my thoug...

 Oh how proud you make me! You do things that surprise me everyday. Yesterday, I brought your bio dad and uncle to the house to hang out and see you do your physical therapy. I told you that you better show off how strong you are to them and boy you didn't disappoint. You had your best session yet. Your pushups (as I call them) were impressive! You then got on the peanut ball and couldn't stop smiling as you did your work. You are so amazing!!! Today, we tried out your activity chair/stander with the person who ordered it for you. It took a bit to get it to fit you right but you acted like it was nothing once you began to do some weight bearing! You looked so grown up! Once again, a proud mama! I can't wait to see how you progress! You work so hard and I know that you are going to keep getting stronger and stronger! You have got this kiddo! I know that God has great plans for you and I am so excited to be on this journey with you! 

 Today brought up a lot of memories that I don't enjoy reliving. You see kiddo, you are our second foster placement. Our first placement put us through a lot and I have a lot of wounds because of it. While my wounds can't be seen on the outside, they are very real on the inside. We were so excited to be parents for the first time and did not know how hard the next 6 months were going to be. We were licensed through a Christian agency that had a good reputation and they claimed to provide a large amount of support. With our particular placement, we were instructed to stay in close contact with two specific people within the agency because the case was so high profile. Along the way, we begged for help with the behaviors that were occurring in our home but kept receiving the same advice, "keep doing what you're doing". We wanted more help. We wanted one of the two kiddos to go to an inpatient center to help understand the uncontrollable behaviors but the agency foug...

 Last night I had a very hard time falling asleep. I tossed and turned and all I could think about was more that I wanted to say. I jotted them down in a note on my phone and finally was able to go to sleep. As I type this, you are in bed with your shaky vest on and watching TV. We got a bit of a later start because I fell back asleep. I woke up at 5 to turn you and you were wide awake. I tried to stay awake with you but it just didn't last.  Sometimes I find myself getting very frustrated with my husband. You see kiddo, we see the world very differently, especially when it comes to taking care of you. Most of the time, I love doing it all on my own because it makes me feel important and strong! You are the super hero and I am your sidekick. If you and I were Batman and Robin, my hubby would be our Alfred. He likes to observe and help from the sidelines and we are the ones in the action. While Alfred is a vital person to the Batman and Robin story, I wish we were more like the...

 It was suggested to me that I should documenting our time together. I imagined this looking a lot different. I started keeping notes on my feelings about you before I got you and then once you got here, time got away from me and I got so wrapped up in you that I didn't write any of it down. We have had so much fun together so far. You have absolutely changed my life forever and I am so grateful to call you mine. I can't believe that you have been in our home for 3.5 months already! Time has gone by so fast. Your smile is infectious. In fact, the other night you woke me up twice with your laughter and then you spent the following day smiling and cooing, so full of joy. I couldn't help but wonder what was going on in your mind. I love every minute that I get with you. We dance together and you grin from ear to ear. You love all things Spiderman! You are making so much progress in therapies. I love when you make such large strides with your "push-ups" and when you s...